


The scars my father gave me

by wolfypuppypiles



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, CPR, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares, Parabatai Bond, Past Child Abuse, Protective Alec, Protective Siblings, Sad, Worried Alec, hurt jace
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-09 15:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11671950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfypuppypiles/pseuds/wolfypuppypiles
Summary: Clary and Jace fall in lake Lynn, causing Jace to hallucinate and relive his worst memories.His loved ones look on and do their best to help as he lives through Valentines abuse all over again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will contain child abuse and violence but I don't plan on being too brutal. Be careful if any of it is going to be a trigger for you or make you uncomfortable

"Come on Jace!" Clary’s voice was bright, and excited as she jumped through the glowing portal. 

Jace was eager to find valentine but he wouldn't describe the burning feeling inside him as excited. It was more like a ball of molten metal, untouchable, and misshapen. He was going to kill valentine. 

He jumped through the portal, thinking solely on the cabin he remembered so well from his childhood. But when the portal gave way, all he saw was water and rocks. 

..........

Alec smiled as his little sister walked into the ops center in her lab coat. He'd missed seeing her in it, and knew she'd been missing the lab; too occupied with missions and family drama to spend much time there. 

She ran a hand through her hair and smoothed out the front of her garment, trying to find what Alec was staring at. 

"What? Did I spill something on this again?" 

Alec shook his head and laughed. "No, you look great as always. I just haven't seen you wear that in a while." 

She smiled brightly, clearly pleased. "Well thank you for assigning me to my lab. I missed it so much." 

"I know." 

Alec's smile faltered as his hand came up to his forehead. There was a pain there, but not his own. Fear ran through him, like a shiver.

"Something's wrong with Jace." 

And then his chest grew tight and he felt as if he couldn't breathe. Or rather, his other half couldn't. 

Izzy's cheerful expression melted into concern. 

"What is it?"

He gripped his chest, trying to calm his rising panic so that he could think clearly. 

"He's-" 

"Help!" Clary’s scream was cut off by her own cough, but Alec had already started running to the weapons room where it came from. 

Izzy was sprinting after him, gasping in harmony with her brother as they turned a corner to see Jace laying sprawled on the cold floor. 

Blood was dripping down his temple, from a nasty cut on his forehead, and he didn't seem to be conscious, but the strangest thing was that he and Clary were soaking wet. 

The Fairchild girl was gripping Jace’s shoulders, trying to wake him up, and she let out a sob as Alec pushed her back. 

"What happened!" Alec's voice was hard as Izzy swept her expert gaze over Jace. 

"I've never made a portal before and I guess it wasn't as accurate as I'd hoped. We were supposed to go to Idris but we fell in a lake instead." 

Alec growled at her, voice hard over his worry. "You were supposed to go to Stanton island!" 

Izzy interrupted, her gentle hands tipping Jace’s head back. "Alec he's not breathing! Start compressions." 

Alec did as he was told, lacing his fingers, and pressing the heel of his hand to his brother’s chest. Jace’s head was tipped back, face pale and eyes closed. He looked dead. 

Clary watched, sobbing as Jace lay unresponsive. 

God, this was all her fault. 

Alec grunted with the effort of pressing down on his parabatai’s chest, and winced as he felt bones crack under his hands. But it wasn’t working. 

“Izzy, he’s still not breathing.”

The Lightwood girl shook her head, hands holding Jace’s head still. “Give it a minute.”

It took too long, much too long, but finally Jace lurched upwards, lake water erupting from his mouth as he coughed. Alec quickly rolled him onto his side, wrapping an arm around his chest and hitting his back in an attempt to get the last of the water out. 

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as Jace just tried to get a decent lungful in. 

Alec leant down and brushed Jace’s wet hair back from his face, those eyes were blinking open, but they were unfocused and confused. His voice was soft. 

“Jace? Can you hear me?” He took the blondes hand in his and squeezed, only getting a twitch of fingers in response as the boy lay, dragging in wet breaths. When he got no other response, he turned his furious gaze to Clary. 

“What happened! What did you do?”

The girl reached out her hands to try and see if Jace was okay, but took them back at Alec’s expression.

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Clary!” 

“Sorry, I … I made a portal with a new rune. It was supposed to take us to Idris but we landed in a lake instead, and I couldn’t find my way out. Jace got me to the surface but I think he hit his head because he passed out half way to shore. I dragged him up the beach but when he didn’t wake up I portaled us back here.”

Izzy suddenly looked up, eyes wide. “Wait a minute. Did you say a lake in Idris?” When Clary nodded, she turned her worried gaze to her brother. “Lake Lynn. Call Magnus, now.”

Alec let out a curse as he pulled out his phone, while Isabelle took a penlight from her coat pocket and shone it in Jace’s eyes. 

Clary didn’t know what was happening, or what was so bad about lake Lynn, but the Lightwoods ignored her questions as they worked. Izzy continued to check her brother over, lifting his shirt to place iratzes over his skin and press careful fingers to ribs to check for breaks. 

Once Alec ended his phone call, he gathered Jace into his arms, gently cradling him against his chest as the blonde drifted off again, and carried him to his room to be taken care of. He was limp as a rag doll in Alec’s arms, and Clary was so shaken she didn’t move until Izzy took her arm, pulling her along after the boys.

Izzy was as mad as Alec was, voice impatient and stern as she guided Clary to Jace’s room and made her sit down. “Why wouldn’t you tell me about your plan? I thought we were friends, and more importantly, Alec is your boss; you can’t go against orders and you shouldn’t have encouraged Jace. He’s not exactly thinking straight when it comes to Valentine.”

Clary sat still as Izzy checked her over, but looked at her in confusion as she replied. 

“He’s my father-“

“You’ve never even spent a full day with that man! Jace was raised by him, he was the closest thing he had to a father. I know you hate Valentine, but that monster raised and abused Jace for ten years. His hate runs deeper than yours, and you know he’s more than willing to sacrifice himself to stop him.”

Clary lowered her head in shame. Izzy was right. Clary may have the same blood as Valentine, but she was raised by her mother and Luke. Jace had only had Valentine for a parent, and from the stories he’d told her, it hadn’t been a good childhood.

“I’m sorry, Izzy.”

The Lightwood sighed. “I know you think you have everything figured out, because you can create runes, and you’ve been on a few missions, but this is serious business and you need to listen to us. When Alec tells you to do something, you do it. And no more secret missions, understood?”

Clary looked at her feet, and nodded. 

Izzy left her to tend to her other patient, helping Alec lay him in bed. She had screwed up again, and she could only hope that Jace would be okay, and that Alec would forgive her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the support it means a lot to me! Sorry this took a while and is kinda short but I have so many wonderful prompts to fill so I'll try and update again soon.

Magnus waved his flaming fingers over Jace’s forehead and sighed. “Unfortunately, I can’t cleanse him of the lake water. The cut on his head means it’s in his blood, and I can’t remove water from the blood without risking further damage. He’ll heal but the next few days will be rough. Fever, hallucinations, and nightmares will be a problem.”

Alec tore his gaze away from his brother, to glare at Clary. “Why can’t you just do what you’re told?!”

Magnus placed a gentle hand on his boyfriend’s chest, as Clary tried not to cry. “Getting mad isn’t going to help Jace. He needs you right now. Besides, I think she’s learnt her lesson.”

Alec took the warlocks hand and sighed, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Sorry. Thanks for being here.”

Magnus placed a hand on Alec’s cheek, gently rubbing a thumb over his skin as he offered a smile. “Of course, love.”

Izzy spoke up from where she was arranging supplies on the bedside table. She’d already cleaned Jace’s head wound and placed a couple of butterfly bandages over it, but she needed to keep her hands busy.

“How long will it last?”

Magnus considered for a moment, head tilting slightly as he thought about it. “A few days maybe, or at least until his fever breaks. You might not want to leave him alone in that time, from what little I’ve researched about the lake, his hallucinations aren’t going to be the fun kind.”

Alec was about to ask what exactly that meant, when Jace’s breathing picked up in the bed. His chest rose and fell in a more irregular pattern and his breaths came as pants. Alec took his hand and tried to wake him. 

“Jace?” The blonde’s eyes scrunched shut and he let out a whimper. Alec pressed his fingers to his parabatai’s cheek and cursed as he felt the heat radiating from him. 

“It’s starting.”

Isabelle sat on the other side of the bed, beside her adopted brother, and brought a damp cloth to his over-heated skin, trying to relieve his fever a little. Jace squirmed at the cold touch and shivered under his blankets. 

He mumbled in his sleep, too quiet and jumbled to be understandable, but he didn’t wake, and Alec thought it time for everyone to get some rest of their own. 

“It’s going to be a long couple of days, I’ll stay with him, everyone else can take shifts.”

Magnus frowned a little, worried about his boyfriend overexerting himself. “You need your rest too.”

Alec shook his head, not taking his eyes off his little brother. “He needs me, I’ll rest when he’s better. Clary, you should go to bed, you were hurt too.”

Clary was surprised the Lightwood would care, and even though she didn’t want to leave Jace, she also didn’t want to get in the way and make Alec angry again. 

She stood from her seat and wrapped her arms around herself, still feeling cold from her impromptu lake swim. She went to leave but hesitated at the door, turning back to speak with a soft, unsure voice.   
“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Alec let out a sigh, closing his eyes and hanging his head as Izzy and Magnus watched him. Finally, he turned to the girl. 

“I know. It’s not completely your fault anyway; Jace is a handful and it’s not like you could have stopped him. You did the right thing, bringing him back here. Get some rest, Fray. You can come see him tomorrow.”

It may have been the days trauma catching up to her, but Clary almost felt like crying. It was probably the nicest Alec had ever been to her. She quickly ran over to him and wrapped her tiny arms around him, making the Lightwood huff out a quiet laugh as he patted her hand. 

“Don’t push your luck.” His tone was fond despite his potentially harsh words, and Clary quickly let him go and went to her room. 

Magnus gave a knowing look to his boyfriend, one that made Alec smile but didn’t look at. “What?”

“You’re going soft on her.” The warlocks tone was sweet, and Alec laughed a little as Magnus leant his head on the shadowhunters shoulder. 

“No, I’m not. I just didn’t think yelling at her would be good for Jace.” 

Alec looked back to the sleeping Nephilim, hoping that everything would be okay. He could feel something unpleasant tugging at their Parabatai bond, and could feel Jace’s fear and pain. He wrapped an arm around Magnus as he squeezed Jace’s hand. 

“Hang in there, buddy.”

………….

Their night was anything but restful. Jace began tossing and turning in his sleep, crying out in fear as nightmares overtook his mind. Alec woke from his light doze and tried to calm the younger boy, catching his flailing arms as he tried to protect himself from something his mind was throwing at him. 

“Jace, it’s okay, you’re safe. Calm down.” 

The blonde turned his head towards the voice, trying to find safety, but he was too confused and everything was being warped into something scary by the effects of the lake water. He continued fighting the hands pushing his arms down, as mumbles and plea’s fell from his panting mouth. 

“No, no, no, please don’t. I’ll try harder, I won’t forget again, just please don’t do it. I’m sorry.”

Alec’s face turned suddenly pale, and he let go of his brother’s hands, to lift the bed covers instead, slipping in beside Jace and lifting him into his lap, cradling the shaking boy in his arms. Jace’s head fell against Alec’s shoulder and his hands found his shirt to grip as he continued to mumble in panic. 

Magnus wasn’t sure what was happening, or why Alec seemed so distressed, but when he looked to Izzy for answers, he only saw the same pale, distressed look that Alec wore. 

The older boy held Jace close, and whispered to him, voice soft and gentle as Magnus had ever heard it. 

“He’s not here, Jace. He can’t hurt you anymore, I won’t let him. You’re safe, I’m here. Shhhh, just rest.”

Jace seemed to calm a little at Alec’s words, plea’s falling silent and face smoothing out, the scared look melting into sleep. 

Magnus had never seen Alec behave this way towards anyone before. The way he held on to Jace, cradling him against his chest and chasing away his nightmares; it was a sudden reminder that Alec would always be a big brother, before anything else. 

Izzy watched her siblings, hand coming to her mouth in worry. “Do you think he’d dreaming about…?”

Alec just nodded and watched Jace’s face carefully for any sign of distress. His voice was low and tired, but full of loathing. 

“I hate Valentine. Out of everything he’s done, this is what I’m going to kill him for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know what you think so far


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im soooo sorry this took so long also this chapter suuucks its so messy and whatever but I hope you like it?

Clary woke with a start, sitting up in her bed as a small yelp flew from her mouth. She’d had a dream, although she couldn’t remember it now. It had been full of water, and golden hair, and…blood. 

Something had woken her up but she wasn’t sure what it had been until she heard it again, making her shiver.

Jace was screaming; terrified, agonised screams that tore from his throat and echoed through the halls if the institute. 

Clary threw off her blankets and sprinted to his room, where the noises were coming from. Max was standing at the doorway, calling for his big brother before Izzy came and scooped him into her arms. 

“What’s happening?! What’s wrong with Jace?”

Clary met Izzy’s eyes as she carried the boy away; they were full of tears that she was trying to hide from Max. 

“He’s okay, Alec is taking care of him. You can’t be in there right now, go back to bed.” The boy tried to fight against his sisters hold, but another scream came from Jace, one that ended on a sob, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Max buried his face into Izzy’s neck and hugged her back, as tightly as his little arms could. 

Jace was always so brave, he didn’t want to know what was happening that made his big brother scream like that.

Clary watched as Izzy took him away, and almost couldn’t bear to go through Jace’s door. But this was her fault, and she had to try and fix it. 

Her bare feet carried her to his room, to see Alec holding his Parabatai, cradling him against his chest on the bed. Jace was shaking, face pale and cheeks flushed with fever as his sweat soaked hair lay back on his forehead. Alec was doing his best to calm him down but Jace was inconsolable, breaths coming too fast from his open mouth as Magnus tried to lay calming spells over him. 

Neither of them looked up as Clary entered, too occupied with Jace as he struggled in Alec’s careful hold. He was sobbing, terrified and shaking words spilling from his clumsy mouth, and Clary could only understand about half of them. 

“Please...not again…I’m sorry…Dad.”

Alec’s eyes were wet, tears falling down his cheeks as he tried to speak, and Magnus gently brushed them away. Jace was curled against Alec’s chest, those long arms holding him together as he shook, and at that moment, he was not the strong, fearless shadowhunter that everyone knew him as; he was a child, afraid of the man that raised him. 

“I’m sorry, I forgot. It was an accident…please don’t use it again. It hurts so bad. I can’t- I can’t do it, Dad please.”

Alec sucked in a shaky breath and ran a hand through his brother’s hair, watching as Jace’s eyes fluttered, trying to open. 

“You’re okay, Jace. He’s not here.”

Glassy eyes blinked open, unfocussed, and unseeing. He didn’t know where he was, only that he was in pain and scared. 

Clary watched as his weak fingers curled into Alec’s shirt, as he panted and tried to reason with the monster hurting him. Alec held Jace with one arm, and cupped his cheek with the other, bringing his hazy gaze to his face. His voice was so gentle, and so resolute. 

“Jace, look at me. I’m here, I’ve got you.”

The blonde pulled in a breath, shocked. “Alec?” The hope in is voice broke Clary’s heart. The way his hands pulled Alec tighter to him, like if he let go he’d be lost again. The older boy nodded, stroking Jace’s hair back. 

“Yeah, I’m right here. I won’t leave you, okay?”

Jace’s face crumpled, another sob rising in his throat, choking his words as he turned his face into his parabatai’s shoulder, searching for comfort and safety. 

“I got it wrong, I made a mistake. He used the rune again and he…he broke my fingers. It hurt so bad, Alec. But it was an accident, I swear. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

Magnus covered his mouth with a delicate hand, trying to control his emotions as Alec rocked his brother in his arms. Even when his own father had been hurting him, Jace still believed it was his fault. 

“It wasn’t your fault, Jace. You did nothing wrong. I’m so sorry he hurt you, but he’s gone now and I won’t let him hurt you ever again. I promise.”

The blonde tugged on Alec’s shirt gently, just making sure he was there as his eyes dipped, being lulled to sleep by Alec’s rocking. He let out a shaky sigh, as he blinked up at him. 

“You’ll protect me?”

Alec nodded. “Always.”

This seemed to be everything Jace needed to hear, face smoothing out as his eyes drooped closed. He was so exhausted, and now that he was safe he could sleep. 

His hands remained tightly curled in Alec’s shirt even as he slept, and any movement from the other boy would pull a whimper from his mouth. 

Alec started to cry as Jace slept. He held his brother close and rocked him as he cried, heartbroken. 

Clary came over to the bed as Magnus brushed his boyfriend’s hair back to place a kiss on his temple. 

“He’ll be okay, darling. He just has to get through the fever.”

Alec’s voice came, strangled by grief. 

“He didn’t deserve any of that. He was just a kid.”

Clary didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to help. Alec sniffed, and looked up at her but his eyes weren’t angry anymore; he wasn’t blaming her, he just wanted her to understand. 

“Valentine used to punish anything but perfection. He’d…he’d break his fingers for a mistake in music, or use a punishment rune for a slip up in training. Jace was ten when he came to live with us, and I hated the way he was so perfect at everything. But then, he made a mistake when we were sparring. He’d gotten caught up in it, started laughing, and I tripped him. 

“It wasn’t a big deal, we were kids just having some fun, but you should have seen his face when Dad walked in. He was so scared. He started apologising for not taking it seriously, and then he…he offered to take the punishment for me; he took the blame. He was expecting to be whipped, and Dad had to explain to him…he had to explain to a ten year old, that he wouldn’t be tortured for making a mistake.” 

Clary let out a breath, damp eyes finding Jace’s sleeping face. “Jesus.”

Alec continued, voice harder than before. “After that, I promised I would never let anyone hurt him the way Valentine did. He’s been through so much, I’d hoped he’d never have to go through it again.”

Magnus stroked a curled finger over Alec’s cheek, offering comfort where he could, and the Lightwood caught it before he could take it back. Alec brought the warlocks hand to his mouth, kissing those graceful fingers before turning back to Clary. 

“That’s why I was so mad yesterday. I know you didn’t intend for this to happen, and it wasn’t really your fault. I just can’t stand to see him hurting. I can feel how alone and scared he is, through our bond and I…I just want him to be okay again.”

Clary nodded, and picked up a damp cloth from the table nearby, wringing out the cool water and carefully bringing it to Jace’s burning forehead. 

“He will be. You’re a good brother, Alec. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

The Lightwood nodded, and sucked in a shaky breath, trying to calm himself. He was exhausted, looking almost as sick as the boy in his arms, but still he held him. 

Clary stayed for hours, wiping Jace’s fevered skin down with a cloth as Alec drifted in and out of sleep, always waking when Jace did, to soothe nightmares and whisper reassurances. 

Izzy came back after a while, when Magnus left to rest, and dropped medicine and healing potions into Jace’s mouth as he slept on. She tried to make Alec leave, to get some proper rest or eat something, but he refused to leave his Parabatai. 

Jace’s fever rose and fell over the three days it took for the lake water to leave his system, and finally broke in the early hours of the morning. He woke, seeming more coherent than he had been, but still afraid of the monster that haunted his dreams. 

His voice was small as he looked up at Alec. “Don’t let him break them again.”

Alec shushed him, ever gentle. “Shh, Jace look at me. Who am I?”

The blonde’s bright eyes were so trusting. “My big brother.”

Alec nodded, smiling, and Jace relaxed in his arms. “That’s right, and what does that mean?”

“That I’ll always be safe.”

“Exactly. See, you haven’t done anything wrong, Jace. You got it all right. You’re safe, you can sleep now.”

Jace was still weak but his shaking arms came up to wrap around Alec’s neck, and the Lightwood obliged his silent request, hugging him tightly. Jace’s voice was tired and muffled against his brother’s shoulder. 

“Don’t leave me, Alec.”

“I won’t, Jace. I’m right here, I won’t ever leave you.”

The blonde fell asleep again, and Clary watched from the doorway as Magnus patted her shoulder. 

“Why can’t I talk to him yet?”  
The warlock was patient, voice tinged with pride as he watched his boyfriend care for Jace. 

“Because right now, what he needs is to feel safe, and Alec does that for him. But when he’s with you, Jace has to be the brave one. You can see him when he’s ready to be brave again. He’s used to being the hero for you, he just needs a little more time to be the one being taken care of.”

She was there, when Jace finally woke up all the way. His eyes were no longer confused, or glassy; they had understanding in them, and relief when he saw her beside his bed. 

His throat was still healing from all the harsh treatment it received, and his voice was scratchy as he called out to her. 

“Hey, Clary.”

The shadowhunters face lit up in a smile, as she ran her hand through his hair. She’d been waiting to see his beautiful eyes for so long.

“Hey, Jace. It’s really good to see you awake. How are you feeling?”

He considered for a moment, taking in Clary’s hushed voice, and Alec’s sleeping form beside him. “Everything hurts. What happened?”

Her smile faltered and she played with her fingers, avoiding his gaze as she tried to weave around the question. 

“It’s been a rough few days. You were sick but it’s all okay now. Your fever’s finally gone.”

Jace didn’t miss the fact that she avoided explaining what had happened, and was about to ask her again when someone knocked on the door. Magnus’ smiling face peeked through the doorway, his voice hushed as he led Max inside with Izzy following behind.

“Someone’s been waiting to see you for a while.” 

Jace smiled at his younger brother as he ran towards the bed, climbing up and almost tackling him with a hug.

“Jace!”

“Hey, Max.”

Izzy tried to pull the younger boy back, fretting over Jace’s broken ribs but he didn’t seem to mind. “Max, be careful he’s still healing.”

Max sat back on the bed, watching the blonde with a concerned frown, eyes big and afraid as he asked. “Are you okay? I heard you screaming yesterday and I tried to help but Izzy wouldn’t let me see you.”

Jace’s smile fell and he looked to his sister for an explanation. He didn’t remember what had happened or why he was hurt. She wouldn’t meet his eyes as she pulled Max onto her lap, wrapping her arms around him in a hug. 

“I told you, they were just nightmares. Everyone gets them, but he’s okay now. Alec took care of him.”

Jace looked to his sleeping Parabatai, hands stretched towards Jace, ready to protect even as he slept. Magnus quickly came forward with a small box, before Jace could say anything else. 

“Max, why don’t you tell Jace about what you made.”

Max smiled again, taking the box from the warlock’s hands, and presenting it proudly to his brother.   
“I baked some cookies for you, Magnus helped me. They’re your favourite kind. I thought they might make you feel better.”

Jace took the box, and brushed away all the questions he had for now. He could ask them later. He smiled at Max and used one arm to pull the kid onto his lap for a hug, those little arms wrapping around his neck as he hugged back. 

“Thanks buddy.”

Alec jerked awake at the movement in the bed, hands flying out to find Jace as he let out a yell. 

“Jace!” 

Magnus quickly came to his side, brushing his hair back and talking to him softly. “He’s okay, he’s awake, look.” 

Alec took a moment to understand what was happening. Jace was watching him, confused. What had happened? Why was everyone so careful around him? 

He didn’t remember a lot about what had happened, only flashes of fuzzy images. Clary’s face lit up in the light of the portal she’d made. Her hair floating around her in the water before he pulled her out. And then there was darkness and voices calling for him and pressing on his chest. 

He remembered someone screaming, and…his dad. He’d hurt him again.

Alec’s eyes were worried as he looked over Jace. “Are you okay?”

Jace nodded. He still didn’t know what had happened exactly, but he knew it was bad. Alec looked so tired.

“Yeah. Are you okay? Clary said it’s been a few days, have you been here this whole time?”

Alec didn’t answer, but Magnus nodded and carefully helped his boyfriend stand from the bed. “He hasn’t left your side for a moment. Which is why I’m going to take him home and make him eat something. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Jace.”

But Alec didn’t want to leave just yet. “Wait, I can’t-“

He looked to his brother, as if asking permission. Jace nodded. “It’s okay, Alec. I’m okay.”

That seemed to be what he needed to hear, and he nodded as he followed Magnus out. The warlock called to the youngest Nephilim as he held Alec’s tired hand.   
“Max, come help me with your big brother, would you? He’s practically asleep on his feet, and I’ll need help carrying him.”

Max quickly did as he was told, jumping off the bed and taking Alec’s other hand to lead him out. 

Izzy sighed as she watched them leave. “You should eat something too. To get your strength back up.”

Jace wasn’t willing to wait any longer. 

“Izzy, what happened? Why is everyone acting so weird?”

She didn’t want to tell him, she didn’t know how. Her words shook just a little as she spoke, making Jace feel terrible. “I- I can’t. Clary will explain, I’m going to get you something to eat.”

She got up and left as quickly as she could, trembling hands wiping the tears from her eyes before he could see. 

Jace turned to Clary, and watched as she stared down at her hands. She felt so guilty for what she put him through, but she owed him an explanation. 

“Do you remember that mission to Stanton Island we were supposed to go on?” He did, vaguely. 

“We went to Idris instead. I made a portal from a new rune but it didn’t work so well and we fell in Lake Lynn. You almost drowned, Alec had to…he had to do CPR.”

Jace touched a hand to his chest, over where it hurt the most. Clary continued, eyes growing wet.

“You swallowed so much water and it got in your blood so Magnus couldn’t take it out. You were feverish for days and…the way you screamed.” She hesitated, and Jace knew she didn’t want to tell him the rest.

Jace took one of her hands in both of his, not understanding what she was trying to protect him from. 

“Clary, just tell me. What was it?”

Her breaths shook as she finally looked up at him, tears falling from her bright eyes. “The lake water causes hallucinations and nightmares. And all you dreamed about was Valentine.”

Oh. He understood now. 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that again. We tried to help but there was nothing we could do. Alec didn’t leave your side, you were so scared and…I wish I could take it all away for you.”

Jace quickly pulled her into a hug. “It’s not your fault, Clary.”

She shook against him as she hugged him back, sobbing against his shoulder as she shook her head. 

“It is my fault, I should have done what Alec told us to do. I shouldn’t have taken you there. You almost died and you had to live through all of those horrible memories again. I had no idea he did those things to you, Jace, I’m so sorry.”

He closed his eyes as he hugged her tighter. He hadn’t wanted her to know about his past. He hadn’t wanted her to know how broken inside he really was. 

“It’s okay, Clary. If you hadn’t made the portal I was going to find another way there, myself. I didn’t…I didn’t want you to know about all of that.”

She pulled back and wiped her eyes, this time Jace was avoiding her gaze. “Why not? What Valentine did to you was…It was awful.”

His voice was small, defeated. “I didn’t want you to see me like that. Like a scared kid. I’m supposed to be strong.”

Clary’s hand came to cradle his cheek and he melted into her touch, closing his eyes, and leaning into her warm palm. 

“You are strong. After everything that he did to you, you’re still here. And you still love, you’re still soft. That’s what makes you stronger than him.”

Jace didn’t know how Clary did it, how she understood exactly what he needed to hear, or how she managed to put him back together so easily after he was broken. He didn’t know how she was so strong, but he knew that when she kissed him, she tasted like everything he had ever wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what you think also sorry about the clary parts they're probably out of character or a little lame cause I actually hate clary so I dont write her very much at all. I also dont like clace because shes half of that so theyre interactions probably arent done very well but I love jace and he deserves to be happy. Thank you so much for the support and comments they make me so so happy and keep me writing so thank you and I may write another chapter so that alec and jace can talk about why he didnt talk to him about his plan in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think I will be adding more to this so hopefully the next chapter will be better


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